GRANDparents :)

Why hello Crimson warriors,

Today I am jumping back on the posting bandwagon and for my first proper new post, I’d like to pay tribute to Grandparents. Yes, I know it sounds boring but how often do you really pay tribute to these wonderful people, whether they are still with us or have passed on? I think it’s time to take a moment to do so.

So to begin with, I’ll give you a summary of my Grandparent status. Both my mother’s parents passed on before I was born, so I didn’t get the liberty of meeting them. I’ve heard good things about my mother’s mum but nothing I can really confirm sadly. My father’s father passed away when I was two years old, before I even lived in the small town where I grew up (in the house next door to the one he lived in). The only real personal memory I have of him is a vague one of going to see him in hospital and sitting on the bed with him. Obviously I was too young to really understand, but I have photos and a locket and many stories. From what I know, my Grandpop was some what of a legend. He was known around town as a hard worker, a bit of a hard arse, but a fair dinkum bloke. My father’s mother is the only living Grandparent I have, my Nanna. She still lives in the town I grew up in, by herself, and at the age of 81 she is doing pretty well. These are the facts but now I’ll share with you a short explanation of sorts.

So strangely enough, though I was so young, I shared quite a connection with my Grandpop. And though it saddens me that he never got to physically see me grow up, I feel him watching over me. I know that is such a cliche thing to say, but It’s true. I believe he is somewhat of a guardian angel to me, shaking his head when I get myself in a bad situation, and smiling when I’m doing him proud. Everytime I go home to my little town to see my family, I always take some time to stop by his grave, next to where my Great Grandmother and Great Grandfather lay, and say a little prayer to him. I thank him for watching over me, ask him for guidance, and tell him that I hope I am making him proud. He is one of the things that keeps me deeply rooted to home.
As for my Grandmother, she isn’t like the memes I see on Facebook. She doesn’t bake cakes, or force me to eat mountains of food. But she help me out of trouble, listens to my woes, and understands me entirely. She is the most beautiful woman I have ever met, and will ever meet, inside and out. She is the only member of my family I can tell my deepest, darkest, dirtiest secrets too and she doesn’t bat an eyelid, just pats me on the knee and says ‘we’ve all been there darling, and I won’t tell a soul’. This woman is stronger than the Amazonian women, braver than any soldier, and brings more joy into my life than anything else. She can tell just by the sound of my voice, no matter how hard I try to sound chirpy, If something is wrong. But most importantly she supports me and is purely proud of me. She is never selfish, never rude. She gives me her all and I love her more than words could ever describe.

Now I know this is a long post, and seems mostly self centered so far, but if you are still reading, which I really hope you are, then bare with me just a little longer. Now is your time. Take a moment to thank your pennies, count your blessings, and pay tribute to these wonderful god sent creatures we call Grandparents. Past and present, they deserve our respect. Some of you may have grudges, and I understand that. But if you can, if you love your Grandparent/s take a moment out of your day to check in and give them a ring or stop by for a coffee. You’ll feel good for it, and they will die that little bit happier when it is their time. Those of you whose Grandparents are no longer with you, and that were old enough to experience it full force, don’t be too sad, it was their time. They are now giving their all to the young angels above us. Or maybe they themselves are the angels. Either way, I guarantee they are watching over you.

I know this was a soppy post, but I believe it is a topic that deserves recognition. Thankyou for reading, and feedback is welcome.
Sincerely,
Crimson xx

 

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Update – Crimson is back!

Hello all,
It astonishes me that it has been almost a year since I posted here. It certainly doesn’t feel that long ago, but generally date stamps don’t lie. Fear not, I will be posting here somewhat regularly from now on to enlighten you all on the various themes that I find swimming around in my brain from time to time.
Theses posts will cover a diverse range of subjects; Relationships, University life, Life in general, The various forms of love, Happiness, Equality (again). This is just a short summary of the kinds of things I wish to write about. I would also like to get more coverage for my posts, but I don’t think my family is ready to face some of the realities I have/will state/d here just yet.
For now I believe that if you’re reading this then I probably sent you the link, and thus trust you with reading my posts. Please provide feedback where you believe is necessary and I thank you for your support. Also if you’re not interested in reading this blog then I suggest you tell me now, as I don’t want to waste my opinions, beliefs and knowledge on those who don’t appreciate and support me.
Also if you have any suggestions, or would like to make any contributions, please let me know. I would love to collaborate.
Much love,
Crimson xx
(I will be posting again shortly, probably tomorrow)

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Give them a choice

Hey all,
So today Im going to discuss something that i feel rather strongly about (as usual), but this one is a subject that i have had the unfortunate – or in some ways fortunate – pleasure of witnessing first-hand in the real world rather than on tv or in movies. Some of you may have also had such experiences, and some of you may not. I am speaking about drugs and their affect on families.
Now when i say drugs, in this instance im not talking about Uncle Bob having a cone now and again in the shed, or Cousin Jimmy getting his billy out when you camp in the bush. Im certainly not promoting marijuana but I am speaking of much worse drugs. Im talking heroin, cocaine, ice, PCP. Im talking about people who are addicted to these hard drugs, who spend every waking moment finding ways to pay for and get these vile concoctions of mind and body altering drugs into their system.
Im going to tell you a story, a very true one. Growing up in the family I have, I have mixed with many shady people over the years. Ive been around all sorts of people, alot of them involved with drugs. There is a couple that ive known for many years. For the sake of this post, I will name the man F.J and the woman N.J. F.J has been in and out of jail over the years and on and off drugs throughout his life, N.J wasnt much different. F.J had two boys before he met N.J who are about 17 and 22 but they live elsewhere now. Together F.J and N.J had two children, a boy and a girl, during their birth i believe N.J was clean, however during their upbringing she wasnt. These children would be about 8 and 11. Now I saw N.J about 4 years ago and she was a beautiful woman. She was quite pretty and very kind. Then she got pregnant again, and started using heroin full time. Her and F.J had a new baby, he is about 3 now, who was born addicted to herion from the womb. To continue, about a year ago they moved back to a town nearby. They now both do a concoction of drugs. Especially ice or crystal meth. They came to a friends birthday party, and you could hardly tell that N.J was the same person. The pair of them have sunken in cheeks, you can see all their ribs, dry skin, twitches, they never stop moving, never stop talking, they are almost not human anymore. I took the liberty of babysitting the three kids while they were there, the eldest boy has psychopathic tendencies, the girl is withdrawn and almost anorexic, and the little boy has issues with brain development. Besides this, to be able to feed their kids after spending all their benefits on drugs, F.J goes to Safeway, Coles and ALDI, and steals meat by putting it down his pants. About 4 months ago F.J overdosed while N.J was out scoring drugs. F.J was slung over the stove, completely unconscious infront of three young kids. When N.J returned, she called emergency services and they took him, saved him, and cleaned him up. As soon as he was home, he was using again. This wasnt the first time nor will it be the last time one of them had overdosed infront of the children, and still authorities do nothing about it. Welfare wont even look twice at the case. However if a kid goes to school with one bruise on them, its reported immediately and the kids are taken into government custody.
Now how does that make sense? I can give birth to my baby while constantly drowning it in drugs, I can overdose and shoot up infront of my children, I can psychologically destroy them, but if i physically lay one hand on them (even if its just a quick smack to show them theyve been naughty) suddenly im the worst parent going.
This post raises two points in my mind. The first, as written above is that the welfare and government child protection services need to straighten their priorities. And the second, that gives relevance to the title, is somewhat an opinion, a statement, a plea, however you want to see it. If you want to fuck up your life by doing drugs, wasting away with a needle in your arm, be my guest. But dont have kids. Dont force someone to grow up in that environment, to grow up thinking thats normal, to grow up waiting for the next ambulance to come. Dont bring kids into it. You can do anything you like as far as im concerned, thats your choice, but dont you dare make helpless children live that way too.
Im not sure if this is a rant, or a plea, or what. But i hope you all read this carefully and think of this in your future endeavors.
Thankyou and feedback is welcome,
Crimson xx

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Friendship

Hello all,
Sorry for my lack of posting over the last few days, I was a bit caught up. But im back now, so what to talk about today? Well recently a friend said to me that I should mention my friends more often, and though i dont mention names for the sake of confidentiality, I think I might dedicate this post to some of my friends. For the sake of this post, I am going to use initials so that each will know I am speaking of them.
I want each of you to know how much you mean to me, all of my friends are very dear to me, I dont keep friends that arent worth the time. Though i stick by the fact that each should know without being told how dear they are to me, same dedication is always nice.
I have one friend who lives in the same small town as myself named K.D. She is my age, and weve always called ourselves soul sisters because we are much the same in some ways. We finish eachothers sentences, get ourselves into trouble together, and always help eachother through hardship. She has been my rock in many situations over several years, always being a shoulder to cry on and one i can be completely honest with no matter my predicament. She has seen every essence of every emotion i find within myself and though weve had our ups and down, I love her ever so dearly.
Another friend i shall list is named M.C. He is somewhat like a brother to me. We dont ever fight, but we share everything and he has seen sides to me that not many people have. We have helped eachother through every aspect of teenage life, and though he is younger than me, he doesnt lack in maturity and knowledge. Some day he will make a beautiful girl very very happy as he truly is a gentleman.
I shall also list M.B. This one has no lack in spirit and if all else fails, he never fails to make me smile through a phone call. We have seen the ugly sides of depression together, but through this we gained a better understanding of the beauty within ourselves. Our friendship may seem strange from anothers perspective but hes been there through it all and i shall do the same for him. Such an attractive lad too.
Another named K.H. She is a wild one who i doubt will ever be tamed but we certainly have some fun together. This is the girl whom i can tell the most shameful of secrets too and she will never judge. She is forever loyal and doesnt take sides, and well her constant laugh makes it hard to be miserable around her.
There is also R.D. This one is the most philosophical and wise being i have ever spoken to. We have a very relaxed relationship, with no boundaries. It seems like forever ago when we first spoke, but we still have the same connection and humour. And his sense of adventure is some what phenomenal of sorts. These things make him both interesting and a great friend.
This post is turning into more of facebook bio than a dedication, but alas i just have a few more. There is also K.G. He is another one for humour, but also has a good heart. He is rather straight forward, but honesty is always a good thing. And we do have some interesting conversations. Good friend to talk to you when you want a good proper conversation about anything.
I might also add J.S. This one has also been there through thick and thin and i like to believe ive been there for him through the same. He is smarter than he gives himself credit for and im glad he has found someone that cares for him as much as he cares for them. He is really such a sweet, young man and deserves the very best, and one day im sure the world will treat him as right as he deserves.
So these are my friends, very spectacular people. I hope they appreciate this, the ones ive told about this blog anyways. And enjoyed reading it.
Those who arent here or i havent had the pleasure of speaking to might find this post a little boring, my apologies. I would also like to mention my dad, boyfriend, and a special mention to my nan as she is my dearest friend of all.
Love you all,
Crimson xx

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Life

Hello everyone,
I guess in a way this post is somewhat related to the last one though it is on a larger scale. Please read anyways, this one may be a little more inspiring.
Though my mind is no longer fogged with constant darkness, lately ive been finding life increasingly hard. I have about half a years course work due in 5 weeks, Work Placement to undertake before the end of term, Uni to apply for, and now i have no income. Last night I quit my job, even though i was already broke, but it was the right thing to do for my emotional welfare. Id rather live in a cardboard box then be forced back into depression because of the people I was working for. Anyways life is getting stressful, and scary, and just more exhausting every day, and a part of me wants to sulk and be miserable and carry on about how shit life is, but in reality is it really that bad?
Last night my boyfriend and I were driving around town just to get some alone time and we stopped at the local airport. Because we are a small town, it is only ever used for farmers or the air ambulance, its nothing major, so often at night its abandoned. So we pull up and notice the lights are on and then the runway lights switch on and naturally we figured we’d better get out of there but my boyfriend said to me ‘Why don’t we park away a little bit and watch the aeroplane land?’ … I didnt really think It would be that exciting but i agreed and parked a little while away. After a bit of waiting there was bright lights and the hum of an engine and all these lights intertwined on the plane and on the runway of all colours and I sat there stunned for a moment, for it was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen in my small town in all the years id lived there. And this made me really think that life isnt that bad, as long as we have the little things.
How can i be miserable when I have a roof over my head, air in my lungs, the love and support of family and friends, sight to see the wonders of life, and happiness? Because when i look deep inside, I do find happiness, sometimes it takes a bit of igniting from my dad or my boyfriend, but its there. And really im pretty lucky.
Ill figure out a way to survive it all successfully and life goes on. I hope you can take something from this too.
Thankyou for reading,
Crimson xx

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Growing Up

So today is I am writing a post as less of a message and more of just a statement. After all it is my blog, and I figure I might as well use it to just get some of my feelings and thoughts down into sentence form. This mightnt be your cup of tea as such, but stay with me, It wont be that bad.
So basically I am at a point in my life, yet again, where I am being forced into growing up. With uni applications to be made, and final exams to be done, I am nearing the point in my life where it is time to spread my wings. However, this is truly terrifying. We spend our childhood dreaming of the freedom of being older, the joys of adulthood, but when we get there it really isnt all its cracked up to be. Sure i still dream of the day I have a successful career, my own home, a husband, and children and hopefully a very happy lifestyle, but the stepping stones to reaching that point are rather daunting. To have a successful career in the field I wish to work, i have to go to uni for around 4 years. Then to build the foundations of marriage, a house, and children, I have to work, pay bills and save. All of this means I must move out of the town i grew up in, away to a big institution where i know noone, leaving everyone and everything I love behind, in the hopes of long term happiness. Is this what I want? In reality it is, but my emotions whisper to me that It would be far less scary to just lay low and do nothing with my life.
Its funny and peculiar to me that I spent sometime of my high school years, and even now still, dreaming of the awesome freedom of university life, yet when im put into a position where I am given the opportunity to start this journey, it scares me senseless.
So of course, I will apply for uni, I will complete my course, I will hopefully make myself a career, but in the meantime i’ll be shaking in my boots. Maybe thats just part of a life worth living.
Thankyou for reading,
Crimson xx

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Equality

Hello everyone,
So today I am going to talk about my beliefs on the subject of equality. These are my opinions and strong beliefs of what is right, and I dont expect everyone to agree. But i would appreciate it if you kept reading and respect what I have to say.
When i personally say equality, i am not speaking of equality in the workplace, or equal female and male rights, or even gay rights, I am speaking of equality as a whole. I believe that we are all born human, and that god or the appropriate higher power, created us all equal. That does not mean we are all born the same, we are born vastly different from one another but i believe that we were all meant to be and should be treated as equal. In saying this i speak of everyone, every single human being. It shouldnt matter your gender, sexual preference, race, culture, age (where appropriate), etc.
I have stated to many of my friends that one day I wish to reach the goal of abolishing all forms of prejudice. Many teenagers will agree that if you walk into a store asking for a job, that your personality and skills should be seen through your outer appearance, and you should be given the same advantage as any other person, regardless of your hair colour, tattoos, piercings, choice of clothing, or any other personal choices. Well why should you think any differently about someone with different coloured skin, or that like the same sex, or that was raised ethnically different to yourself? The answer is simple, you shouldnt.
Many activists, politicians, and powerful campaigns stand for the ending of racism, or the ending of discrimination against gays, and that is wonderful but I wish to focus on the big picture. Erasing discrimination and prejudice as a whole. I see it as downright wrong to sit there and pretend; a) that youre better than someone because they are different to you or different to the image society portrays as ideal, or b) that these issues dont exist. It happens every single day, in every single corner of the globe, and it outrages me to no end.
I believe that if we can all come together, and stand up for what is right, that we can make a change. Somehow, someway, one day I will achieve this, or die trying.
Thankyou for reading, feedback is welcome,
Crimson xx

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Music

Hello all,
Today i am posting about music. But not just music in general, the meaning of music.
Music exists no matter where you are. Every country has music of some form, and many people enjoy music. It has many uses, to set moods and emotions, to send messages, for enjoyment, traditional reasons. But i would like to share what music means to me.
Music is something I am very passionate about. I enjoy music and I use it for many reasons. Sometimes i simply use it to boost my enjoyment when completing other wise unenjoyable activities, sometimes i use it to dance at parties or in my bedroom, and sometimes i use it to express myself, help me understand how i am feeling and to also help me carry on. I have many friends who say that they couldnt live without music, some people say this as an exaggeration of how much they like music, but some people mean exactly what they say, that without music they wouldnt and couldnt cope through the toughest times.
What is the main reason humans like music so much? Because they can relate to it. I personally enjoy many genres including rap, metal, and a bit of pop. But what i am really trying to get across in this post is that music can help heal the soul, it can help fix broken things, it can help you understand yourself and your surroundings.
Next time you are feeling down or something is getting to you, think about music and how it helps you. And be forever grateful that you have been given the opportunity to experience music.
I am going to list some songs that I recommend you listen to for many reasons and why;
Make It Stop by Rise Against (This is a song about teen suicide, sexual orientation equality, and bullying. This is my favourite song as it sends a very passionate message i hold close to my heart.)
Lullaby by Nickelback (This song is about suicide prevention, and sends a message about holding on that i also hold very close to my heart.)
Beautiful by Eminem (This is a song about being yourself and not letting anyone get you down.)
Born This Way by Lady Gaga (This songs sends a very bold message about equality among all. As written in the title its about being proud of the who you are, no matter what colour your skin is, who you fall in love with, or what you do.)
Obviously i could write a neverending list of wonderful songs but i think these four send the messages i wish to send. I hope music enlightens you in the same way it does me.
Thankyou for reading, and feedback is welcome.
Crimson xx

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Not just another story…

Hello everyone,
Today i am writing a very serious post. This post will contain mentions to self-harm and depression. Please read carefully.
To start i will tell you my story. As mentioned in an earlier post i grew up in a very unstable household, and a sometimes abusive household. From a young age i used school as an escape from my home life, excelling in my early years but as time went by and i hit somewhere about Grade 9, i was 14, things started to impact on me. I began slowly descending into a somewhat grey place. My grades dropped, i had only a small amount of friends, and i began experimenting with the idea that living was simply a choice. Here i made my first cut, sitting in my room with a sharpener blade that i had unscrewed from school supplies. It hurt i thought, why would people do that, now i have to hide it. But when i didnt hide it the next day my father saw and his words were “you stupid bitch, dont ever do a stupid thing like that again, or ill tan your arse”. Being terrified of my father back then, i listened and i went on with my grey existence for some time. I just cruised on idle most of the time, ignoring alot of things and people. Then when i was about 16, things changed. Everything got worse, i developed panic attacks, I developed a deranged fury, and i developed an urge to cut. I cut for a while, nothing major, just some up my arm with a razorblade i had stolen. Noone noticed because noone cared, and whoever did notice was too intimidated to say anything. Then when i was 17, in 2012, things got really bad. Things with my parents were getting progressively worse, certain experiences in my own life were messing with my mind, and i lost control. I started hurting myself everyday, cutting deeper and deeper, on my thighs and my arms, carving words about myself into my skin, just to feel alive. Suicide crossed my mind every day, i didnt want to go on. Everything was black. And i couldnt escape. Eventually i went to see a psychologist, and after some evaluation she sent me to psychiatrist for antidepressants. Still nothing really changed, and then something happened. Somehow light started creeping into my life, little by little things got better. I learnt to smile again, I learnt to love, and the weight of the world somehow lost its burden to me. I believe this was triggered by my mother moving out, and by moving into a relationship with my now boyfriend. And the most important part of this story is on Sunday the 4/8/13 i will be 4 months cut free. I havent cut since April 4th, the date i went to court to defend my father against my mother, and 5 days before my boyfriend asked me out.
The point of this post isnt for sympathy, it isnt to tell yet another story of a depressed teenager who couldnt handle life. It is to tell you all, especially my dear friends, that it does get better. Take it from someone that you actually know, life gets better. Sure i still have my off days, certain things trigger an urge, but i push past it, for myself and more importantly for the people around me. A very good man once said to me “You need to take a step back and think ive got air in my lungs and a roof over my head and friends that love me for me. Stress less” and really if you think about it, thats all that matters. What more can you ask for? I just want you to keep on keeping on, because one day you will see the light of life, and it is beautiful.
Thankyou for reading and i hope you can all take something away from this post,
Crimson xx

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Fathers (my dad)

Hi all,
First proper post right here. So ill tell you a little story. I grew up in a broken home, a lot of fighting and arguing and anxiety attacks. About 8 months ago, my mother up and left and moved in with a new man straight off the block, leaving just me and my father to live by ourselves in a small town. Times were tough, with little money and a high stress zone due to related issues with the break up, we were forced to communicate a lot. Before this experience ill admit that my relationship with my father was rather shattered, so i wasnt optimistic. But as time went by i realised just how lucky i am to have my dad. He is astonishing. In the past 8 months we have grown closer than i ever thought possible. My father is now my dad, he is my king and my hero. He sticks by me, he would die for me, and in one word he shows me he understands how i feel. It saddens me to think we missed out on so much time we could have had this way, and to think it took such a bad experience to make us realise how much we mean to eachother, but in a way im thankful for these things because without him i wouldnt have survived it. I know that not everyone has a father, or has a good a relationship with theirs, but i want you all to know that father-daughter relationships are wonderful things. My dad may not be the smartest man, the strongest man, or the most innocent man, but in my eyes he is a god. I cant begin to describe how much i love him and how much it makes my heart happy when i hear him say he loves me. We live together, we yell at eachother, we cry together, and we get on with our lives helping one another. If you have a chance to mend things with your father, or even a chance to tell him that you love him, take it, and dont ever look back. As ive read many times, you may find your prince but your dad will always be your king. It takes time for a father to become a dad, and in some circumstances, it takes heartbreak. But i am forever grateful that i have this man in my life, and i will never let him go.
Thankyou for reading, and feedback is always welcome,
Crimson xx

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